Emotions are the window into the subconscious mind
I had a difficult moment today and this is what I learnt!
I was finalising some details with a contractor who was doing some work for me for my business. There had been some missed deadlines and substandard communication over the weeks, but I let them slide a few times. She had done great work in the past and I put it down to her possibly be overwhelmed. But then the last email communication I received felt like a punch to the gut.
I politely laid out my concerns and left the email conversation perplexed at how deep this was affecting me. Doing the work I do now, I know that this is the moment to actually sit with these feelings instead of distracting myself with the myriad of things that needed doing today. I re-read the email and again felt the gut punch and emotions rise. I allowed them to be there without pushing them down or making them or me wrong.
In the unpicking of this situation and what it triggered within me; I saw a sneaky old pattern of behaviour show itself. You may know this one..”the need to be liked and not upset people to protect the feeling of being good enough” Ugh!
I sit back and ride the waves of emotion that I feel realising that it is ok to be here and feel what I feel and that each time I am able to spot these old patterns it is an opportunity to make a choice - choose another way of being or go down the same path of repetition.
You see we all have these patterns and beliefs that we accumulate during our lifetimes and they play out on repeat. Because they live deep within our subconscious mind and play a key part in the “software program of our lives’ we go about on auto pilot being, doing and acting in accordance with what we know and what feels familiar to us. Sometimes things in our lives will go along in some relative order except for a few bumps (or sometimes mountains and cliff hangers!) here and there but other times we will find ourselves deep in the mud of being stuck.
I know watching this play out for me today that my need to protect myself from not being good enough and not belonging ended up meaning I was not honouring myself and I was accepting less than I was worth.
A vulnerable moment but one where I can step up and re-parent the younger version of me that felt those feelings and did what she needed to do to feel protected, safe and loved whilst she was growing up.
But in these words of Sadguru “"The walls of self-protection you build around yourself become walls of self-imprisonment over a period of time" is a valuable message.
Over time these patterns of being and believing stop us from living our best life. They end up disconnecting us from our heart, our inner truth and passion for life. We start to feel lost in the people, places and things we are surrounded with and this can lead to destructive cycles and emotional distress.
I help my clients recognise these thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and work with them in the moment so as to avoid them becoming physical dis-ease, emotional distress or mental mind games.
Here are some actions you can take to help you if you are experiencing this:
Awareness: start by becoming aware of what you are feeling in your body and what thoughts are playing out in your mind
Observe: Just be in the place of the observer without judgment or making anything wrong. Allow whatever is there to be there with acceptance and openness even if it feels uncomfortable. (generally, emotions if allowed to be there and to move freely will dissipate within 90 seconds).
Locate: ask yourself what does this feeling or thought remind me of, make me feel like? Is my reaction bigger than the situation currently being experienced? Have I experienced this before?
Re-parent: If this is a repeating emotion or thought then ask yourself what do I need instead? Then look at how can you give to yourself whatever you are needing in this moment? Often these are connected to unmet needs we had in childhood that just keep playing out in adult hood.
Choose again: with this new awareness start by choosing a different emotion, thought or action which feels better for you. Reach for the next best emotion or choose to believe something different. In my case, I can choose to believe “I can speak up for myself and still be good enough and accepted”.
Try these simple strategies in your own life and see how much can actually change for you, in your relationships and how you navigate this crazy world.
If you need help with this on a deeper and more personal level please send me an email or book a session.
